And there it goes.

So things were looking up. "Were" being the operative word.
Don't you hate when you go into something not expecting anything and then something suprises you and you get your hopes up just to have them crushed? Yeah, I hate when that happens too. I wish the little things didn't bring me down. I mean, they seem miniscule in the bigger picture of things but to me they're a big deal. I'll just keep working hard.

Other then that, life is going pretty well. School is kinda almost over. The seniors only have 20 days as of tomorrow. Lucky bitches. I wish I could just go to college. But the thing with wanting to go to college somewhere else is that I have to leave my friends. That's gonna suck. But it's too early to think about that.

And that is all I have to say for tonight. Here is my quote of the day:

"If I'm going to be alive then I might as well be incredible. I want to do more than just exist."

It's all coming back to me now.

Well well well, a lot has happened since I last updated.

First off, my birthday weekend was awesome. Yes, weekend. I know I sound spoiled but I don't give a shit cause I had an amazing time. I got tickets to see DANE COOK. And I had a suprise party. YES.

Anywho, I've gotten to see how much of a bitch I can be. I have good intentions. I really do. And I think I've figured out my problem. My problem about how I'm indecisive. But that's for me to know.

And now to relate to this blog title. It truly is all coming back to me now, but one hundred times better. I love it when you know that people are truly making an effort all for you because they care about you and love you. I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks.
But, maybe I'm dumb for trying this again. I'm fine with just going with the flow and seeing where this ends up. It's not like I haven't dealt with "heartache" before. Haha I laugh when people use words like heartache but nothing quite describes it like that. I'm just happy at where I am. I don't fully know what I want but I have a good idea. And I feel bad saying that because I didn't feel that way with another person, but that's how I know this is real. Because when you want it, you want it. You don't want to wait and you don't want to take things slow. Well, maybe you do, but I'm kinda fast and I'm not talking about slutiness.

Last comment: I saw this movie Blow today and it was pretty damn good. Johnny Depp was awesome. It's up on my list of favorite drama movies, like Requiem for a Dream.


And the quote for this update:
"We seemed to fit together in a way that suggested nothing had ever quite fit before."

What's the name of the game?

Love (noun) - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

Well, the online dictionary I looked that up on makes it sound standard. Like, it really isn't that hard of a word to understand, right? Anyone can figure out what love is.

No. This is not the case. I mean, I don't think many people know what love is at this age. People just get caught up in the passion of a relationship and say "I love you," but passion is fleeting and once that's over they don't realize why they say it in the first place.

I wish I could say I've been in love. But, I dont' think I have. And I hear that if you have to think about it, you probably weren't in love to begin with. Maybe I was. I really don't know. You know what, I think I was in love. Maybe not a mature love, but it was still love. I don't know what I'm saying. I've just been thinking ever since that damned phone call. I just don't know what to do. But I have a feeling I'm making the right decision.

I think I'm just cynical about it. I used to be a hopeless romantic but that part is slowly dying with each passing day. I don't think most teenagers know what love is, but they think they do. That's when things get confusing. Especially for the girls. Maybe that's why I'm trying to take my feelings out of the equations. I try not to "like someone alot." But it's hard to do. I don't think I'll ever succeed, which is a good thing later down the road. But right now, love doesn't seem to promising for me. This isn't me being emo, cause I'm not upset at all. I just had to get all of these feelings out.


Quote:
Love seems to be something to approach with caution, as if you'd come across a wrapped box in the middle of the street and have no idea what it contains. A bomb, maybe. Or a million dollars. I wasn't even sure what the meaning of the word was. Love? People got hurt doing that. People cried and wrapped their arms around themselves and rocked with loss. Loving words got turned to fierce, sharp, whip-cracks of anger that left permanent marks. At the least, it disappointed you. At most, it damaged you. No, thank you. -Wild Roses ; Deb Caletti

The planet spins and the world goes round and round.

Oh lawd. This week has been exhausting and confusing and weird and fun and any other adjective you can think of to describe a chaotic week.

Rehearsal kinda sucks. Well, not kinda. It DOES suck. A lot. It's like a restless slut. I don't know, I feel like no matter how hard I work it won't pay off. Kinda sucks. Ok, enough about the sucking.


In religion, we were talking about genocides so we watched Hotel Rwanda. If you have never seen this movie, you don't know what you're missing. It actually makes me want to learn more about Rwanda and stuff. It's pretty intense. And it makes me hate the U.S. I mean, why couldn't we help those people? Well, we're just assholes.


Speaking of assholes, they haven't been around much lately. Except if they take the form of my parents. Ouch, that was mean. But sometimes, they can be so stupid.
They don't understand that I'm a teenager not an adult. I should act like a teenager. And it's like nothing I do is enough for them either. I mean, yeah I have fucked up. A lot. But, I think we kinda cleared that up. And maybe I would be more honest with them if they didn't get mad at me over every little thing. Especially my mother. Boy, can she yell. I'm pretty sure you can hear her a mile away, and that's just when she's talking normally. But enough ranting about them.


So, I don't think there's much else to reflect on. I should be studying for exams, but I'm not. I'll just leave you with a quote, something I'm famous for.


"I don't even know what I want. Maybe I just want to be someone's everything. A good morning and good night."

Another one bites the dust.

Well, yet another disappointment. I guess I didn't deserve it anyway.


Maybe I'm just the disappointment. I feel like I'm lacking the drive I once had. I just need to get more focused. Or, figure out what I want to do with my life. I thought I had it all figured out but now I'm doubting myself. Maybe I'm NOT good enough. I mean, people say I am, but what if they're just being nice? I don't know anymore. I guess for now, all I can do is try to better myself. And why not try? Trying never hurt anything.