Update.

I won. Yes, I won. I finally stood up for myself and now that mess of a relationship is overwith. Thank Jesus.

Now, I unfortunately have bigger fish to fry. Is that how the saying goes? Whatever. It just sucks how two people click but they can't be together. Well, I don't know if I should say together. Let's just go with friends. People are so close minded, but hey I was too before this happened. I find that people should walk in the other's shoes for a while before they judge. Easier said then done. Whatever, this will be some experience. Hey, life is all about the learning experience, isn't it? Well then, I guess this will be a HUGE learning experience. I'm down for a change in my life.

Quote of the day: "So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." - Perks of Being a Wallflower

It's been a while.

Woah, have not done this in quite sometime.

I felt like shit today. I definitly did something to my hamstring. That's a kick in the balls. And my throat feels like ....shit. I'm not having a good go this week.


I guess I just need to type. About whatever. Here goes. I hated art in school. I don't know why. Maybe because I really sucked at it and it seemed like everyone else was good. But they weren't just good at art. OH no, they were good at sports and were smart. What did I have? Healthy vocal chords and an ok dance background. I guess I feel like I'm mediocre at whatever I do. I just want to have one thing that I do really well.

Sorry, just had to get some things out.

Anywho, the quote of the day "love the life you live, live the life you love" - bob marley

Sick and Tired

I don't know if I can take it anymore. I deserve much better. I know I do but it's just tough. I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm in the wrong. I'm so confused. What else can I do? It seems like I've done most of the work. No, I HAVE done most of the work. Maybe one day he will realize.

Quote: "And there wasn't anything wonderfully amazing about him, but there was something that she just couldn't resist."

Wow, long time.

Something just doesn't seem right. I don't know what it is. Maybe I do. I just wish you were easier to read.

"Breaking Up" is going pretty good. Everyone has loved it so far. Tonight was not my best, but I really tried. I don't know what was wrong with me. Oy.

Anyway, the quote for the day: "When I see you, the world. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The world just stops and it's a beautiful place and there's only you. Just you. And my eyes staring at you. When you're gone, the world starts again and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I just walk around in it, and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best thing I've ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, is why I stare at you." - A Million Little Pieces

Good week.

Oh man, I wish I could remember everything about tonight. The right words were said, and now I really know how he feels. I feel great.

Opening weekend was a success. A FUCKING SUCCESS. I think we'll start bringing in the masses. Hopefully.

Quote of the day: "He smiled understandingly—much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced--or seemed to face--the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey."

Finally.

Don't you just love it when things start to click? I'm very content right now, and it feels great. I can't fucking WAIT for prom!

And of course, now I have nothing else exciting to type. I mean, we're almost seniors but that's not exciting til next year.

Anyway, quote of the day: "Take him and cut him out into little stars and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night." - Romeo & Juliet

Valid.

"It was more than love for him. It was the feeling she got every single time his name was said, or when he brushed by her in the hall or held her hand. He was the boy she changed for, the boy she would have dropped anything and everything just to spend a night with him. He was always at the center of her world; but she couldn't seem to grasp the concept that she was never the center of his."

Finallly, change.

The stars are aligning. Things are starting to get better. I knew in time they would. I really am happy now. Thank God.

Fame is turning out really well. I feel comfortable and mostly everyone knows what they're doing. However, I am kinda glad that it will soon be over. I guess I just want school to be over and me to be a senior. At last.

Quote for the day: "You just have to be happy. If you are, everything else will fall into place."

I hope I'm not speaking too soon.

Well, things are going better. Fame is fun now. I think we just needed the lights, costumes, hair and makeup to get our spirits high. I feel like it will be a good show. Yes, we do have the random wtf people in the show, but overall the cast is pretty solid. I think all of the roles are cast perfectly and I cannot wait to see the outcome.

I'm suprised at how much he's trying now. I'm just going to try to be a little less...needy? Oh Lord, I did not want to be that person. People tell me I'm not acting that way but I feel like I am. I guess I'm just used to having the upper hand. Oh well.

I can't wait for this weekend. Scratch that. I can't wait til Prom. I don't know why, I just feel like it's going to be fun. I'm going with people I like. However, I still don't have a dress and I have no idea when I'll get one. Eesh.

Anyway, the quote for the day: "Happiness comes in many forms: in the company of good friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone's dreamcome true, when the promise of hope is renewed. It's okay to let yourself be happy because you never know how fleeting that happiness might be. -one tree hill

Priorities.

Wow, thanks for talking to me. You're one of the few people I can be honest with. And your questions really made me think. And rethink this whole mess.

I feel like right now, I need to focus only on the important things right now. I need to get "Fame" overwith and focus more on "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." And yes, he is important but lately he hasn't shown me I'm important to him, so he's going on standby, in my mind at least. My whole thought process is that I've done enough. I've shown I care. I've shown I want to be with him. I've gotten feedback but I, for once, want to be the one giving the feedback. I'm the girl. He's supposed to be the one making at least a little effort. Whatever. I'll deal with it when I feel like it. For now, it isn't worth it.


Quote of the day:"The fate of love is that it always seems to little or too much." - Amelia E. Barr

I don't know why I'm typing this.

I'm really tired right now but something just made me want to write on this stupid blog. Like, some people just write about their day. I don't want to just do that. I want to be interesting. Ha. Good news is I think I know what's up with my mood swings. It's just been this week. This week, which happens to be that time of the month so I'm an emotional fucking wreck.

I finally told him how I feel, and of course nothing. We do need to talk about this. We do need to talk about how I'm doing all the work. He knows I care about him and want to spend time with him, but how do I know he feels the same way about me? By "telling" me he cares? Bull fucking shit. I deserve better then that. I know I do. But I guess I'm just one of those people that likes to play with fire. I know I'll eventually get burned, but I like taking chances. Although, in real life I absolutely hate fire. There's actually this video of me at Christmas. When I was like 3, I had this Christmas candle. My mom was preggo with my brother so she was sleeping and my dad was videoing me. He asked if I wanted to hold the candle. I said yes, but as soon as he looked like he was about to light it I shyed away from it. Literally ran away from the candle. Fire and me just don't mix. So I guess that was a bad metaphor to use.

Anyhoe, I think things will start getting better. I just wish for once I could not think. Just turn off my phone and chill. I would like to do that one day. Leave all of the people that I care about on good terms and just go somewhere for a day or two. I think it would be nice. I haven't been worry free in a while. Or if I was it didn't last a long time. Maybe that will be on my to do list for the summer. Agreed? Agreed.

On to the quote of the day:
"It had been a tempestuous week, snared by emotions rubbing me so raw I hurt at night, alone in the dark." - Crank

I guess since no one is reading this it doesn't really matter what I put right? Time to be honest. Not that I wasn't honest before but I can open up a little more with the belief no one has looked at this shit.

It really sucks when you like, maybe even love someone who doesn't seem to care back. He says he does. And yes, I do believe him. I'm an idiot, I know. I'm crazy for doing this again, I know. I'm just getting my karma. So should I end it? That is the question.

I don't really feel like typing in anything else.
Quote of the day: "I see my present partner In the imperfect tense And I don't see how we can last I feel I need a change of cast Maybe I'm on nobody's side."

Spring Break has begun....

And I have a feeling it will suck. I'm going to try to look on the bright side of things. I definitly will try.


I don't know what the hell is wrong. One minute I'm happy and the next I'm not doing so hot. I wish I could just go with the flow. Sometimes I do, except when it comes to someone. Then I expect so much. Maybe too much. I don't know if I'm just settling or what. It's just for once I know what I want, but what I want doesn't necessarily want me. Just my luck. And so we try for the third time.

Theatrically, things are going pretty well. I get to finally play a role that wouldn't normally be my typecast.

I find I'm not caring so much about anything anymore. Only certain things. And the certain things I care about shouldn't necessarily be worth me caring about, if you get my drift. I'm just exhausted and I want at least a day to do what I want to do. Not that I don't want to do theatre. Or rehearsals. I always look forward to rehearsal. Well, certain rehearsals. It's other things that I want to give up. I want more time with my friends. I want more time with my family. I feel like I'm not free. I'm always waiting for other plans. Bigger plans. Better plans. I always depend on one person. It's like they have control over me. I said I wouldn't feel this way, but it's hard to control. I want to get out of it before I get too attached. Maybe I already am. Should I get out of it? Am I just settling?

Quote of the day: "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." - John Lennon

And there it goes.

So things were looking up. "Were" being the operative word.
Don't you hate when you go into something not expecting anything and then something suprises you and you get your hopes up just to have them crushed? Yeah, I hate when that happens too. I wish the little things didn't bring me down. I mean, they seem miniscule in the bigger picture of things but to me they're a big deal. I'll just keep working hard.

Other then that, life is going pretty well. School is kinda almost over. The seniors only have 20 days as of tomorrow. Lucky bitches. I wish I could just go to college. But the thing with wanting to go to college somewhere else is that I have to leave my friends. That's gonna suck. But it's too early to think about that.

And that is all I have to say for tonight. Here is my quote of the day:

"If I'm going to be alive then I might as well be incredible. I want to do more than just exist."

It's all coming back to me now.

Well well well, a lot has happened since I last updated.

First off, my birthday weekend was awesome. Yes, weekend. I know I sound spoiled but I don't give a shit cause I had an amazing time. I got tickets to see DANE COOK. And I had a suprise party. YES.

Anywho, I've gotten to see how much of a bitch I can be. I have good intentions. I really do. And I think I've figured out my problem. My problem about how I'm indecisive. But that's for me to know.

And now to relate to this blog title. It truly is all coming back to me now, but one hundred times better. I love it when you know that people are truly making an effort all for you because they care about you and love you. I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks.
But, maybe I'm dumb for trying this again. I'm fine with just going with the flow and seeing where this ends up. It's not like I haven't dealt with "heartache" before. Haha I laugh when people use words like heartache but nothing quite describes it like that. I'm just happy at where I am. I don't fully know what I want but I have a good idea. And I feel bad saying that because I didn't feel that way with another person, but that's how I know this is real. Because when you want it, you want it. You don't want to wait and you don't want to take things slow. Well, maybe you do, but I'm kinda fast and I'm not talking about slutiness.

Last comment: I saw this movie Blow today and it was pretty damn good. Johnny Depp was awesome. It's up on my list of favorite drama movies, like Requiem for a Dream.


And the quote for this update:
"We seemed to fit together in a way that suggested nothing had ever quite fit before."

What's the name of the game?

Love (noun) - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

Well, the online dictionary I looked that up on makes it sound standard. Like, it really isn't that hard of a word to understand, right? Anyone can figure out what love is.

No. This is not the case. I mean, I don't think many people know what love is at this age. People just get caught up in the passion of a relationship and say "I love you," but passion is fleeting and once that's over they don't realize why they say it in the first place.

I wish I could say I've been in love. But, I dont' think I have. And I hear that if you have to think about it, you probably weren't in love to begin with. Maybe I was. I really don't know. You know what, I think I was in love. Maybe not a mature love, but it was still love. I don't know what I'm saying. I've just been thinking ever since that damned phone call. I just don't know what to do. But I have a feeling I'm making the right decision.

I think I'm just cynical about it. I used to be a hopeless romantic but that part is slowly dying with each passing day. I don't think most teenagers know what love is, but they think they do. That's when things get confusing. Especially for the girls. Maybe that's why I'm trying to take my feelings out of the equations. I try not to "like someone alot." But it's hard to do. I don't think I'll ever succeed, which is a good thing later down the road. But right now, love doesn't seem to promising for me. This isn't me being emo, cause I'm not upset at all. I just had to get all of these feelings out.


Quote:
Love seems to be something to approach with caution, as if you'd come across a wrapped box in the middle of the street and have no idea what it contains. A bomb, maybe. Or a million dollars. I wasn't even sure what the meaning of the word was. Love? People got hurt doing that. People cried and wrapped their arms around themselves and rocked with loss. Loving words got turned to fierce, sharp, whip-cracks of anger that left permanent marks. At the least, it disappointed you. At most, it damaged you. No, thank you. -Wild Roses ; Deb Caletti

The planet spins and the world goes round and round.

Oh lawd. This week has been exhausting and confusing and weird and fun and any other adjective you can think of to describe a chaotic week.

Rehearsal kinda sucks. Well, not kinda. It DOES suck. A lot. It's like a restless slut. I don't know, I feel like no matter how hard I work it won't pay off. Kinda sucks. Ok, enough about the sucking.


In religion, we were talking about genocides so we watched Hotel Rwanda. If you have never seen this movie, you don't know what you're missing. It actually makes me want to learn more about Rwanda and stuff. It's pretty intense. And it makes me hate the U.S. I mean, why couldn't we help those people? Well, we're just assholes.


Speaking of assholes, they haven't been around much lately. Except if they take the form of my parents. Ouch, that was mean. But sometimes, they can be so stupid.
They don't understand that I'm a teenager not an adult. I should act like a teenager. And it's like nothing I do is enough for them either. I mean, yeah I have fucked up. A lot. But, I think we kinda cleared that up. And maybe I would be more honest with them if they didn't get mad at me over every little thing. Especially my mother. Boy, can she yell. I'm pretty sure you can hear her a mile away, and that's just when she's talking normally. But enough ranting about them.


So, I don't think there's much else to reflect on. I should be studying for exams, but I'm not. I'll just leave you with a quote, something I'm famous for.


"I don't even know what I want. Maybe I just want to be someone's everything. A good morning and good night."

Another one bites the dust.

Well, yet another disappointment. I guess I didn't deserve it anyway.


Maybe I'm just the disappointment. I feel like I'm lacking the drive I once had. I just need to get more focused. Or, figure out what I want to do with my life. I thought I had it all figured out but now I'm doubting myself. Maybe I'm NOT good enough. I mean, people say I am, but what if they're just being nice? I don't know anymore. I guess for now, all I can do is try to better myself. And why not try? Trying never hurt anything.

This should be a good start....

So, there's a game on facebook. Well, not a game, a note. The note says type 25 things about yourself other people may not know. And since I'm having a brain fart I thought I should just do this as my first blog. Brilliant, I know.


1. I once drove to McDonald's to get food because I wanted to wear sunglasses and I knew that would be my only chance to wear them.

2. I absolutely hate confrontation. I tend to not have a back bone and I can go into an argument really strongly but if the other person is persuasive I'll break down.

3. I have no clue what I want to do for the rest of my life and that scares the shit out of me.

4. When I was 3, I wanted Jay Leno to come to my birthday party instead of Barney. My parents wrote a letter to him because they thought it was funny. What I recieved in response to the letter was not Jay Leno showing up to my birthday party, but a signed headshot of him that said "Happy Birthday, Alex." I'm not complaining.

5. The only sport I ever did was swimming. And I quit after one summer.

6. I used to collect Beanie Babies. I guess I still do, technically. I have a huge toy chest full of hundreds of them. I'm not exageratting. If you come to my house I will gladly show you the proof.

7. I accidentally slapped the dentist one day when I was getting my teeth cleaned.

8. I lead people on unintentionally. Do not point this out to me. I ALREADY KNOW.

9. When I like a guy, I can usually read him pretty well and I can tell when he's just not that into me.

10. I had a pet duck named Ducky.

11. One of my dreams is to play Belle in Disney World even though I'm awkward around children.

12. I'm terrified that I'm not humble enough.

13. I say the words mirror, buffet, museum, worry, january, and room weird but they sound fine to me.

14. I have a ridiculous obsession with Ace Ventura but I don't own the movies.

15. I care too much about what other people think.

16. When I was little I used to sing Celine Dion to my grandma all the time.

17. I have one friend that knows everything about me.

18. I can be really dumb at times. I think I'm just slow.

19. When I first meet a group of people I don't know I'm extremely shy. I'm scared that they'll think I'm stuck up and that's why I won't talk to them but that's not the case at all.

20. I overanalyze things way too much.

21. I'm extremely self conscious.

22. The only concert I've ever been to was the Backstreet Boys.

23. When I was little, my favorite movie was The Nightmare Before Christmas. I used to dance around my living room singing "I'm JACK the PUMPKIN KING."

24. I don't have any regrets. I think I truly have learned from my mistakes, it's just hard for me to change.

25. I act on my emotions which gets me into trouble. A lot.